Showing posts with label battle of the sexes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label battle of the sexes. Show all posts
Friday, December 9, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
The Horror of Growing Old
I realized something rather profound this morning. There is a reason why women hate aging so much; why men like younger women; and at who's doorstep the fault lies.
By nature (whether you ascribe that to evolution or God) women mature both physically and mentally faster than men. This is an undisputed fact. As such we find in the early teens that 12-14 year old girls are very interested in the 14-18 year old boys. They desire the more developed bodies and greater mental range.
Very few of us are able to compete with the taller, stronger guys. As a result, the peer boys are left "out in the cold" in regards to social combat. And despite what women the world over may think, guys do learn. As the awkward teen years give way to young manhood we are still several years behind our female counterparts. Their needs are different from ours. Thus we will long for the older or peer female as physically more attractive but gravitate to the younger girls who are available and craving our attention. This situation has existed forever and probably will continue to do so.
But here's the rub: During those 3-4 years of angst-ridden, hormone-flooded loneliness, the boy has modified his expectations. Older and peer women have rebuffed us, sometimes cruelly, for our immaturity. We begin to think of younger as more beautiful and valuable out of a sense of self-preservation. This lesson stays with us our entire lives.
Fast-forward to the prime mating years and you will continue to see younger women with older men. This is unnecessary since (for the most part) guys reach parity of maturity with women in their early to mid-twenties. To see a 24 year old woman dating a 30 year old guy is merely an artifact of the disparity seen in the adolescent years.
But what about the girls during that time? The same mechanism leads the female to develop father fixations. If they have had a good dad then he becomes the archetype of what a man should be. If he is bad then the girl will often chase that same type of fool in a desperate attempt to win his love; proving her worth and thus "save" her father. The psychological implications are complex. In the end though, it results also in the older man / younger woman scenario.
Now back to the twenties. If either party in a relationship has not grown past their initial assumptions regarding an appropriate mate, even worse if neither have, then the age difference can increase to the absurd.
Add another 15 years and trouble ensues. 40-something men begin to see receding hair, achy joints, a spare tire and they start looking Mortality in the face. A thin veneer of experience has helped them enjoy a deep love for their 35 year old wife, but lurking ever just under the surface is that early life lesson that "younger is beautiful, more exciting and safer". Too many men suddenly give up all to try and recapture their youth with a fast car and new girlfriend, often half his age.
And what of that older wife? She has finally reached the age where she feels comfortable in her skin. Her body has now reached the full potential of womanhood. Her husband is just now beginning to resemble that half-imagined greatness of her father. At this very moment is when everything falls apart. His betrayals (great or small) undermine the new-found confidence. She sees younger women (and is bombarded by pop culture) to recognize that she is no longer the ideal figure of femininity. Self-doubt grows. Within a few short years the natural effects of aging set-in. Yet her desire is still to her husband who grows ever more debonair and distinguished. She on the other hand is wrinkled, puffy, sagging and ever more bitter.
So who's fault is this? Mother Nature? God? No! It is the fault of every young girl who dismisses a classmate's invitation to a movie with a contemptuous laugh. It is the fault of every parent who didn't teach their daughter kindness and understanding. Blame attaches itself to the boy who, in the face of sarcasm, does not lift his head up and remember that he is a good and valuable person. His parents share the burden for not helping him to understand why these things are happening.
In the end, it is all of our faults, for not having enough love, careing, understanding, patience and kindness to those we know. And especially to those we don't.
Please, if I am unkind to anyone who reads this, help me to remember that harm I may cause and avoid it. I want to be good to others.
By nature (whether you ascribe that to evolution or God) women mature both physically and mentally faster than men. This is an undisputed fact. As such we find in the early teens that 12-14 year old girls are very interested in the 14-18 year old boys. They desire the more developed bodies and greater mental range.
Very few of us are able to compete with the taller, stronger guys. As a result, the peer boys are left "out in the cold" in regards to social combat. And despite what women the world over may think, guys do learn. As the awkward teen years give way to young manhood we are still several years behind our female counterparts. Their needs are different from ours. Thus we will long for the older or peer female as physically more attractive but gravitate to the younger girls who are available and craving our attention. This situation has existed forever and probably will continue to do so.
But here's the rub: During those 3-4 years of angst-ridden, hormone-flooded loneliness, the boy has modified his expectations. Older and peer women have rebuffed us, sometimes cruelly, for our immaturity. We begin to think of younger as more beautiful and valuable out of a sense of self-preservation. This lesson stays with us our entire lives.
Fast-forward to the prime mating years and you will continue to see younger women with older men. This is unnecessary since (for the most part) guys reach parity of maturity with women in their early to mid-twenties. To see a 24 year old woman dating a 30 year old guy is merely an artifact of the disparity seen in the adolescent years.
But what about the girls during that time? The same mechanism leads the female to develop father fixations. If they have had a good dad then he becomes the archetype of what a man should be. If he is bad then the girl will often chase that same type of fool in a desperate attempt to win his love; proving her worth and thus "save" her father. The psychological implications are complex. In the end though, it results also in the older man / younger woman scenario.
Now back to the twenties. If either party in a relationship has not grown past their initial assumptions regarding an appropriate mate, even worse if neither have, then the age difference can increase to the absurd.
Add another 15 years and trouble ensues. 40-something men begin to see receding hair, achy joints, a spare tire and they start looking Mortality in the face. A thin veneer of experience has helped them enjoy a deep love for their 35 year old wife, but lurking ever just under the surface is that early life lesson that "younger is beautiful, more exciting and safer". Too many men suddenly give up all to try and recapture their youth with a fast car and new girlfriend, often half his age.
And what of that older wife? She has finally reached the age where she feels comfortable in her skin. Her body has now reached the full potential of womanhood. Her husband is just now beginning to resemble that half-imagined greatness of her father. At this very moment is when everything falls apart. His betrayals (great or small) undermine the new-found confidence. She sees younger women (and is bombarded by pop culture) to recognize that she is no longer the ideal figure of femininity. Self-doubt grows. Within a few short years the natural effects of aging set-in. Yet her desire is still to her husband who grows ever more debonair and distinguished. She on the other hand is wrinkled, puffy, sagging and ever more bitter.
So who's fault is this? Mother Nature? God? No! It is the fault of every young girl who dismisses a classmate's invitation to a movie with a contemptuous laugh. It is the fault of every parent who didn't teach their daughter kindness and understanding. Blame attaches itself to the boy who, in the face of sarcasm, does not lift his head up and remember that he is a good and valuable person. His parents share the burden for not helping him to understand why these things are happening.
In the end, it is all of our faults, for not having enough love, careing, understanding, patience and kindness to those we know. And especially to those we don't.
Please, if I am unkind to anyone who reads this, help me to remember that harm I may cause and avoid it. I want to be good to others.
Friday, October 21, 2011
You Just Don't Get It Do You? Why Don't You Ever Listen to Me?
Recently I was watching a fairly well done movie based on Doug Adam's fabulous book The Hitchhicker's Guide to the Galaxy and a particular scene caught my attention. Tricia MacMillian, Zaphod Beeblebrox and Ford Prefect had just spoken to Deep Thought and were retrieving the Point-of-View gun for Humma Kavula.
For those of you not familiar with the books or movie, I assure you that I am not drunk, having a seizure or utterly stupid, despite what some may say. Those are the character's names. I might also add that if you have even the shattered remains of a funny bone, you need to read the WHOLE SERIES of books and then see the movie. It is worth the effort.
So, I'm watching this movie and the narrator explains that Deep Thought (a super-duper super computer) built a gun at the commission of some very angry housewives who could never get their husbands to understand...anything. One shot and the "target" would instantly comprehend the point of view held by the person firing the gun.
What struck me as painfully harsh was when Tricia was shot and in exasperation said, "It won't work on me. I'm already a woman".
WHATTHEHECKISTHATALLABOUT!!!!!!
Does the character (and writers and producers etc etc etc) really expect us to believe that Women are in possession of some great mystical power that allows them to instantly and completely understand EXACTLY what every other person around them is thinking/feeling/implying in every possible way?
If so then Womankind has some serious 'splainin' to do. Not only have they allowed countless arguments to happen for 10,000 years (or Millions depending upon your particular belief in the origin of Man) but are guilty of all the wars to ever happen! If women are so intuitive and perceptive they would have dealt with men far differently then they do. Ogg begins to complain that the cave is a mess? Ooklah would just pat him on the head, smile indulgently at her oh so clodish mate, and send him out to watch the Brontosaurous races. The women would get together and plan out a community in which they made all the decisions because males were incapable of understanding what was best for everyone.
Failing that, out of sheer self-preservation, females should have seized power from men at the earliest stages and turned us into dumb pack-animals good only for hunting, reproduction and killing the occasional spider.
Buuuuuuttttttttt Nooooooooooo!!!!!!! There must be something in estrogen that makes women think it funny to let men bang their heads against the wall in frustration at "just not getting it". Some perverse sense of humor that lets them sit by and watch while crowds mob each other and nations clash. Why at the very beginning didn't some woman prove that they are better negotiators and traders because, darn it, they can understand everyone's thoughts and needs so very well? That would have made war useless. Thanks a lot gals.
I have an answer to that question, and most of you women are not going to like it. But first, let us continue our stumble through history.
Who here honestly thinks that most men are NOT profoundly influenced by their women? Adam gave up paradise to stay with Eve. Issac worked 14 years to get his girl. George Washington asked Martha what to do practically every step of the way. Heck, Elanore Rooseveldt practically ran the country for years. And not to thumb my nose at any of my Democrat friends, but Bill Clinton would still be chasing skirts at the Piggly Wiggly down in Hope, Arkansas if he hadn't married Hillary. She was the brains behind that operation.
I would hazard a guess that every relationship between a man and a woman that has ever existed on this planet or any other microscopic bit of dust in the Great Green Arkalseizure has at one point or another been faced with this situation. The couple have been fighting about something utterly absurd and each is becoming progressivly angry. Finally the woman throws her hands in the air and screams, "Why don't you ever listen to me"?!?!?!?!?
As The Captain might say, "What we have here, is a fail-ure...to communicate."
Okay Ladies, I am not blaming you for all of this. Just some. There are only two culprits here, assuming of course that both individuals seriously want to fix the problem.
First, as one or two of you may have noticed, Men and Women are built differently. Surprising as it may sound these differences go a little futher than who has more curvy parts and an inherent love of sports. OUR BRAINS WORK DIFFERENTLY. Who'da guessed?
You ready for the great secret? Men are visually orientated and women are auditory. Men are logical and women emotional. Listen to any conversation between two members of the same sex. What do you hear? They are using similar speech patterns. Men talk in clear and concise images. Women use more nuanced phrases that require analysis to fully understand. Men think about the topic; consider possible courses of action; amd set things in motion. Women NEED to find out how it makes them feel; how it makes everyone else feel; and what it might mean to future feelings. Have a mixed-group and inevitably the participants will move to one pattern or the other depending on personalities, group dynamics etc. BUT VERY RARELY CAN THEY HOLD A MEANINGFUL CONVERSATION USING DIFFERENT THOUGHT PATTERNS.
This is where the argument comes in. When two people have reached the point of anger where they are willing to abandon social protocols and temporarily forget that they love this particular whack-job, then the chances of their being able to begin speaking in what amounts to a different language are practically nil. If Heather and I argue about something, where am I going to find the self-control and consideration needed to suddenly see her point of view? I've already cast off the thin veneer of civilization that says, "Be nice to other people, treat them with respect and don't spit while you are yelling." The very fact that I am arguing with her proves that.
So I ask, only somewhat rhetorically, "Why do you women let the arguments happen, why do you argue back if you already understand our point of view so well?" Surely if you understand us then you can find just the right words to help us understand you? What you and every other woman doesn't know is that YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND US AS WELL AS YOU THINK YOU DO AND HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE CONDESCENDING ABOUT IT.
And that is where the second blame comes into play.
Someone has convinced women in general that guys are 1) stupid 2) selfish 3) inconsiderate and 4) hateful whenever we don't understand all of your clues and hints.
But as I said before, men's brains don't work that way. We move from one idea to another. Throw us in the middle of a cloud of stimulai and we will often just say the whole thing is incomprehensible and go have a (root)beer.
Since childhood females are taught to read non-verbal clues and derive meaning from them. Why do you think girls have to get together and talk about...everything...often...ad nauseum? Because it is in the group setting that they can examine the conclusions they have drawn from all the clues and see if what they think is reasonable. They are like the Borg Collective. Together they present a formidable force but remove a woman from her support system and she has no greater brain or deductive power than anyone else. In arguements she is on her own but without that collective feedback she has no way of knowing her position may be wrong. Political and social groups have manipulated this blindspot to drive a wedge between men and women.
So here we stand, speaking different languages and moving further apart with every word. Who's fault is it? Everyone's. The first rule in Communications is, "The person WITH the information has the responsibility to make sure it is transfered completely and correctly." I don't care how many times you repeat the words, "No dear, you don't have to do anything special for my birthday", it will NEVER enter my brain the way you intend it: "You'd better do something a damn sight better than last year or your XBox is going to meet my blender."
My job as a guy is to pick up on every clue I possibly can and work very very hard to understand the things you will never say plainly and directly. Your job is to be as plain and direct as your mind will allow and then be patient when I just don't quite get it.
If we don't yell at third graders for misunderstanding Shakespeare, why yell at us guys when we are trying to learn Femalese?
For those of you not familiar with the books or movie, I assure you that I am not drunk, having a seizure or utterly stupid, despite what some may say. Those are the character's names. I might also add that if you have even the shattered remains of a funny bone, you need to read the WHOLE SERIES of books and then see the movie. It is worth the effort.
So, I'm watching this movie and the narrator explains that Deep Thought (a super-duper super computer) built a gun at the commission of some very angry housewives who could never get their husbands to understand...anything. One shot and the "target" would instantly comprehend the point of view held by the person firing the gun.
What struck me as painfully harsh was when Tricia was shot and in exasperation said, "It won't work on me. I'm already a woman".
WHATTHEHECKISTHATALLABOUT!!!!!!
Does the character (and writers and producers etc etc etc) really expect us to believe that Women are in possession of some great mystical power that allows them to instantly and completely understand EXACTLY what every other person around them is thinking/feeling/implying in every possible way?
If so then Womankind has some serious 'splainin' to do. Not only have they allowed countless arguments to happen for 10,000 years (or Millions depending upon your particular belief in the origin of Man) but are guilty of all the wars to ever happen! If women are so intuitive and perceptive they would have dealt with men far differently then they do. Ogg begins to complain that the cave is a mess? Ooklah would just pat him on the head, smile indulgently at her oh so clodish mate, and send him out to watch the Brontosaurous races. The women would get together and plan out a community in which they made all the decisions because males were incapable of understanding what was best for everyone.
Failing that, out of sheer self-preservation, females should have seized power from men at the earliest stages and turned us into dumb pack-animals good only for hunting, reproduction and killing the occasional spider.
Buuuuuuttttttttt Nooooooooooo!!!!!!! There must be something in estrogen that makes women think it funny to let men bang their heads against the wall in frustration at "just not getting it". Some perverse sense of humor that lets them sit by and watch while crowds mob each other and nations clash. Why at the very beginning didn't some woman prove that they are better negotiators and traders because, darn it, they can understand everyone's thoughts and needs so very well? That would have made war useless. Thanks a lot gals.
I have an answer to that question, and most of you women are not going to like it. But first, let us continue our stumble through history.
Who here honestly thinks that most men are NOT profoundly influenced by their women? Adam gave up paradise to stay with Eve. Issac worked 14 years to get his girl. George Washington asked Martha what to do practically every step of the way. Heck, Elanore Rooseveldt practically ran the country for years. And not to thumb my nose at any of my Democrat friends, but Bill Clinton would still be chasing skirts at the Piggly Wiggly down in Hope, Arkansas if he hadn't married Hillary. She was the brains behind that operation.
I would hazard a guess that every relationship between a man and a woman that has ever existed on this planet or any other microscopic bit of dust in the Great Green Arkalseizure has at one point or another been faced with this situation. The couple have been fighting about something utterly absurd and each is becoming progressivly angry. Finally the woman throws her hands in the air and screams, "Why don't you ever listen to me"?!?!?!?!?
As The Captain might say, "What we have here, is a fail-ure...to communicate."
Okay Ladies, I am not blaming you for all of this. Just some. There are only two culprits here, assuming of course that both individuals seriously want to fix the problem.
First, as one or two of you may have noticed, Men and Women are built differently. Surprising as it may sound these differences go a little futher than who has more curvy parts and an inherent love of sports. OUR BRAINS WORK DIFFERENTLY. Who'da guessed?
You ready for the great secret? Men are visually orientated and women are auditory. Men are logical and women emotional. Listen to any conversation between two members of the same sex. What do you hear? They are using similar speech patterns. Men talk in clear and concise images. Women use more nuanced phrases that require analysis to fully understand. Men think about the topic; consider possible courses of action; amd set things in motion. Women NEED to find out how it makes them feel; how it makes everyone else feel; and what it might mean to future feelings. Have a mixed-group and inevitably the participants will move to one pattern or the other depending on personalities, group dynamics etc. BUT VERY RARELY CAN THEY HOLD A MEANINGFUL CONVERSATION USING DIFFERENT THOUGHT PATTERNS.
This is where the argument comes in. When two people have reached the point of anger where they are willing to abandon social protocols and temporarily forget that they love this particular whack-job, then the chances of their being able to begin speaking in what amounts to a different language are practically nil. If Heather and I argue about something, where am I going to find the self-control and consideration needed to suddenly see her point of view? I've already cast off the thin veneer of civilization that says, "Be nice to other people, treat them with respect and don't spit while you are yelling." The very fact that I am arguing with her proves that.
So I ask, only somewhat rhetorically, "Why do you women let the arguments happen, why do you argue back if you already understand our point of view so well?" Surely if you understand us then you can find just the right words to help us understand you? What you and every other woman doesn't know is that YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND US AS WELL AS YOU THINK YOU DO AND HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE CONDESCENDING ABOUT IT.
And that is where the second blame comes into play.
Someone has convinced women in general that guys are 1) stupid 2) selfish 3) inconsiderate and 4) hateful whenever we don't understand all of your clues and hints.
But as I said before, men's brains don't work that way. We move from one idea to another. Throw us in the middle of a cloud of stimulai and we will often just say the whole thing is incomprehensible and go have a (root)beer.
Since childhood females are taught to read non-verbal clues and derive meaning from them. Why do you think girls have to get together and talk about...everything...often...ad nauseum? Because it is in the group setting that they can examine the conclusions they have drawn from all the clues and see if what they think is reasonable. They are like the Borg Collective. Together they present a formidable force but remove a woman from her support system and she has no greater brain or deductive power than anyone else. In arguements she is on her own but without that collective feedback she has no way of knowing her position may be wrong. Political and social groups have manipulated this blindspot to drive a wedge between men and women.
So here we stand, speaking different languages and moving further apart with every word. Who's fault is it? Everyone's. The first rule in Communications is, "The person WITH the information has the responsibility to make sure it is transfered completely and correctly." I don't care how many times you repeat the words, "No dear, you don't have to do anything special for my birthday", it will NEVER enter my brain the way you intend it: "You'd better do something a damn sight better than last year or your XBox is going to meet my blender."
My job as a guy is to pick up on every clue I possibly can and work very very hard to understand the things you will never say plainly and directly. Your job is to be as plain and direct as your mind will allow and then be patient when I just don't quite get it.
If we don't yell at third graders for misunderstanding Shakespeare, why yell at us guys when we are trying to learn Femalese?
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