The Horror of Growing Old

I realized something rather profound this morning. There is a reason why women hate aging so much; why men like younger women; and at who's doorstep the fault lies.

By nature (whether you ascribe that to evolution or God) women mature both physically and mentally faster than men. This is an undisputed fact. As such we find in the early teens that 12-14 year old girls are very interested in the 14-18 year old boys. They desire the more developed bodies and greater mental range.

Very few of us are able to compete with the taller, stronger guys. As a result, the peer boys are left "out in the cold" in regards to social combat. And despite what women the world over may think, guys do learn. As the awkward teen years give way to young manhood we are still several years behind our female counterparts. Their needs are different from ours. Thus we will long for the older or peer female as physically more attractive but gravitate to the younger girls who are available and craving our attention. This situation has existed forever and probably will continue to do so.

But here's the rub: During those 3-4 years of angst-ridden, hormone-flooded loneliness, the boy has modified his expectations. Older and peer women have rebuffed us, sometimes cruelly, for our immaturity. We begin to think of younger as more beautiful and valuable out of a sense of self-preservation. This lesson stays with us our entire lives.

Fast-forward to the prime mating years and you will continue to see younger women with older men. This is unnecessary since (for the most part) guys reach parity of maturity with women in their early to mid-twenties. To see a 24 year old woman dating a 30 year old guy is merely an artifact of the disparity seen in the adolescent years.

But what about the girls during that time? The same mechanism leads the female to develop father fixations. If they have had a good dad then he becomes the archetype of what a man should be. If he is bad then the girl will often chase that same type of fool in a desperate attempt to win his love; proving her worth and thus "save" her father. The psychological implications are complex. In the end though, it results also in the older man / younger woman scenario.

Now back to the twenties. If either party in a relationship has not grown past their initial assumptions regarding an appropriate mate, even worse if neither have, then the age difference can increase to the absurd.

Add another 15 years and trouble ensues. 40-something men begin to see receding hair, achy joints, a spare tire and they start looking Mortality in the face. A thin veneer of experience has helped them enjoy a deep love for their 35 year old wife, but lurking ever just under the surface is that early life lesson that "younger is beautiful, more exciting and safer". Too many men suddenly give up all to try and recapture their youth with a fast car and new girlfriend, often half his age.

And what of that older wife? She has finally reached the age where she feels comfortable in her skin. Her body has now reached the full potential of womanhood. Her husband is just now beginning to resemble that half-imagined greatness of her father. At this very moment is when everything falls apart. His betrayals (great or small) undermine the new-found confidence. She sees younger women (and is bombarded by pop culture) to recognize that she is no longer the ideal figure of femininity. Self-doubt grows. Within a few short years the natural effects of aging set-in. Yet her desire is still to her husband who grows ever more debonair and distinguished. She on the other hand is wrinkled, puffy, sagging and ever more bitter.

So who's fault is this? Mother Nature? God? No! It is the fault of every young girl who dismisses a classmate's invitation to a movie with a contemptuous laugh. It is the fault of every parent who didn't teach their daughter kindness and understanding. Blame attaches itself to the boy who, in the face of sarcasm, does not lift his head up and remember that he is a good and valuable person. His parents share the burden for not helping him to understand why these things are happening.

In the end, it is all of our faults, for not having enough love, careing, understanding, patience and kindness to those we know. And especially to those we don't.

Please, if I am unkind to anyone who reads this, help me to remember that harm I may cause and avoid it. I want to be good to others.