Why I Slept On the Couch Last Night

I had just awakened my wife and she, somewhat quizzically, asked when I left the bed. I told her:

About 30 seconds after I dreamt that I was visiting with the Pollacks (a family from church) and I took Kenneth with me but he wasn't four he was only six months and we went inside and were having a great time and Seth Green (Scott Evil) was there and he was very funny and I was very funny and then Mrs. Pollack said that they were having a family get together and we should come because we were very funny and then I had to go to the bathroom and she drew aside a curtain (because they didn't have a door) and I went inside with Kenneth and sat down on the toilet, even though I didn't have to go poo only pee, and then because I had to go so very bad I wasn't able to keep ahold of Kenneth and he wriggled out of my arms and ran to the door (did I mention that he was only 6 months?) and examined the curtain and then he jerked it open, placed his hands on his hips, drew-up to a "Captain Morgan" pose and yelled, "I AM A GENIUS!" and ran out, laughing maniacally, so now, being alone, I let my bladder evacuate and quickly realized that I had just peed the bed. That's when I went and slept on the couch.

She laughed.

I then said, "I don't like sleeping in a peed bed, but I don't mind if you do."

She laughed harder. Lucky for me.

Ramblin...2

There comes a moment in most men's lives when they have to face head-on the terrors of middle-age. I have neither lost my hair nor begun to have issues with my...uh...that thing that is supposed to stick in your head and bring back ideas that you've had but are not foremost...memory! Yea, that's it. I'm not losing my memory or anything of that sort.

What I have done is pick up a huge spare tire. Just a couple months ago I had to shop at the Big and Tall store for a pair of dress pants. 44" waist by 34" leg. They just don't offer that size material outside of Abdul's Tent Shop.

It really is quite pathetic. Like Fat B****** from the Austin Powers movie, I can't see past my belly button. Putting on shoes requires me to hold in enough breath to qualify me as a pearl diver in Okinawa!

My kids pat me on the tummy and say, "Rub da' Buddah Belly for luck". Yesterday I bounced off the doorway going into the kitchen and the rebounding fat threw me so far off balance that I bounced down the hallway and into the bathroom where I lay jiggling for several minutes.

I had to install a monster truck tire on the left front of my car just to keep the frame from scrapeing as I drive.  When I lay on the couch with some snacks I don't have my own table so much as my own buffet!

So what am I going to do about it? I could go back to my Kung Fu class and get some real exercise. But that would mean buying a size 12 gi, which again I would have to go see Abdul about. Not to mention the endless mockery of my close and well-meaning friends. Usually

No, in the time honored way of most people who set out to lose some weight, I tossed my cookies. And my candy, cakes, ice cream, chips, sodas and...p...p...pizza. Waaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!

The family went to Costco last night for shopping and dinner. While they all gorged on that delectible greasy pizza pie, I ate a caeser salad without dressing. I HATE ALL OF THEM.

Today at work I emptied my snack drawer and was amazed at the varitey of sugared goodness I had accumulated. Peanutbutter cups and rice crispy treats being the drug de jour.

So if you find I am being exceptionally rude, short tempered, manic, listless, frantic, lost or any other character trait that is not normally in my sweet and kind disposition, then just know I am trying to better my health. And if I have to suffer, then so do all of you.

Ramblin' 1

So I woke up this morning with dreams of half-priced halloween candy at Wal-Mart dancing in my head. After a night of pizza and candy I had just a mite of trouble fitting my 44" waist into 40" jeans but applying liberal amounts of axel grease and breathing in they fit like a sausage casing. Out the door and down the road to the land of Low Priced Goodness. Oh how I longed for those KitKats, Mounds bars and ever elusive bat-shaped Hersey's peanutbutter cups. I walked into the store and found that Halloween still lingered in the dark recesses of Sam Walton's empire. Horror upon horrors, not only was the candy NOT half-priced but had gone up! Bags printed at $3.49 were now tagged at $3.99!!! What demonic soul had decided to dash the hopes of such a poor innocent chocophile as myself? Was there no mercy? Was there no compassion? Feeling like a child given a toothbrush in his trick-or-treat bag, I shuffled my way out the door, vowing to never step foot inside that House of Horrors again. Even now I feel the deep pangs of lost hope, dashed dreams and despair.