User’s Manual and Safety Guide
For Those Involved With
Jody Martin
2010
“Hey Jody! What’s this user’s manual?”
He came into the room jolly as Saint Nick on Christmas Eve. “That? Oh, it’s just a little joke that the Gamma’s played on me. They handed it out at orientation this year. I’m told it is the only pamphlet, brochure, handbook or leaflet to have ever been given to every single woman on campus. A few of the Professors were none too happy but they took one anyway. Go ahead and read it if you want a good laugh.”
Simon eased himself onto the couch, put his feet up and began to read.
Jody Martin is the most dangerous man on campus. He will treat you with respect, honor, and kindness. He will listen to every word you say; praise your successes; and cry with you over your pains. When he is with a girl, she is the most perfect woman in the universe. He will love her without judgment or reservation. That is why he is so dangerous. You will fall in love with him, but he will love whatever woman he is with.
Don’t believe us? Here is just a tiny sampling of his past:
Two weeks into freshman year, Jody had charmed the entire varsity cheerleading squad. The resultant jealousy led to a sideline brawl; interrupting the game. ESPN’s SportsCenter ran endless film of both teams working to separate the furious ladies. This incident marks the first and only time in ACC history where a football team had to forfeit a game because their own cheer squad was killing each other at mid-field.
By the end of his first term, Jody had a large following among the female students. A fan club sprang-up, following the swim team from meet to meet. Jody made sure to acknowledge every girl who made the trip. Whether a hug, kind words or just meaningful eye contact, each groupie had a moment when she felt special. Unfortunately, the club was forced to disband after complaints from other schools that his ‘friends’ were distracting both teams by wearing less than the swimmers, trying to attract his attention.
"The Body" as he is sometimes called, is a fourth year Junior. How did he fall behind? At two o'clock on the morning of three freshman finals, a plaintive and desperate knocking echoed through his dorm room. In the hall was a young lady he had never set eyes on before. In a flood of tears she explained that her mother was sick, her boyfriend was cheating, and she was having nightmares about an accident she'd endured a month earlier. She was told that Jody was the man to go to when everything seemed blackest. She was desperate. Without a thought Jody took her in his arms and held her, just held her close and safe until she fell asleep. She lay in his protective embrace for 12 hours and awoke refreshed and hopeful for the first time in four weeks. Jody missed his exams and had to retake the classes. Never once did he complain, regret his kindness or try to "get" something from her.
Though Jody acted the perfect gentleman in that circumstance, don't think he isn't interested in sex. All guys want it and our subject is no exception. The difference is, he will only sleep with a woman where there is a deep love and respect. Which he feels for every woman he meets. He will never use you or brag to his buddies. He won't pressure or force intimacy. So if you are interested he is a conscientious, patient and gifted lover. Sleeping with Jody Martin is everything a girl could ask for.
He is simply a very good man.
Before getting involved though, you have to understand and accept the "Ten Minute Rule". We said earlier that Jody falls deeply in love with every woman he meets. Experience has shown that if you have to leave him alone, ten minutes is all you can count on before his attention will wander to the nearest young lady. More than one evening has been ruined because a girl spent too long chatting to her friends about what a great time she was having and how Jody made her feel so special, only to return and find her date entwined with a more attentive debutant.
DON'T FOOL YOURSELF:
THIS RULE DOES APPLY TO YOU.
Simon was not entirely sure whether this was a joke or not. Despite his bravura and easy manner, Jody was always very kind to women. That they adored him was without question. Gaggles of giggling girls followed him around campus, passing notes or phone numbers wherever he went.
Most guys would have let it go to their heads but not Jody. He treated every girl with the respect due a Lady. Simon looked up to find Jody sitting cross-legged on the floor, trying to match out a small mountain of socks. He began to speak in a very measured voice.
“So…how much of this is true?”
“True? Well that’s a matter of opinion isn’t it son? Did everything they say actually happen? Yea and more. Personally I think they should have mentioned the time Kelly Black started talking to me in the audience instead of her costar on stage. Funniest thing you ever saw, Juliet trying to jump into the crowd and screaming her undying love while Romeo, the Montague’s and the rest of the Capulet’s were holding her back.”
Jody’s amusement was deep and pure. Suppressing the laugh made him squint hard and turned his face red. Simon added his own raucous chortles for good measure. More than a few seconds passed before they could contain themselves. Finally, Jody wiped his eyes; took a deep breath; and then looked seriously at his new friend.
“Simon, there’s something you should know, about me and the girls and all.”
When he first considered asking Jody to move in, Simon had talked to a few friends. The guys were all for it, ‘girls come running to him don’t they? More chances for you to pick up a spare’ was the most common sort of thing said. The two or three coeds who were willing to give an opinion were unanimous, ‘Jody Martin is a good person. He’s very popular. If you want to live in a party zone then he’s the right guy to dorm with.’ This wasn’t all that comforting to Simon who was trying very hard to reform the intemperate ways of his youth.
“Jody, what you do with women is your business. It’s not my place to say anything and if you want to…”
Almost urgently, Jody interrupted his well-rehearsed speech.
“No, it’s important that you understand. Your respect means a lot. I’m not what the Gammas make me out to be. Well, the good parts are true. My momma taught me to be respectful and kind to others. I never saw any reason to hurt people. They’d just want to hurt me back right? People like me because I make them feel that I like them. Everyone is my friend because everyone is my friend.”
“What about the girls, when they find out you don’t love them?”
An odd expression crossed Jody’s face, like Simon had just accused him of a terrible crime. “But I do love them. I love women. How they talk, how they walk. I love the variety. When I’m with a girl I can’t think of anyone else. She’s all there is.”
“But you’ve been with dozens, even hundreds of girls. You can’t love them all.”
If possible Jody’s look of affronted shock grew harder. “Simon, I was raised to be a gentleman not a rake. Weren’t you listening? The Gammas have it all wrong. I’m not in it for the sex. Would you believe I’ve only ever been with two girls? The first was in my freshman year. A senior cheerleader got me drunk a week before Homecoming. The whole damn reputation started right there. Most of the squad was competing over who was going to be the first to have me. All hell broke loose when Diana announced what she had done. Every guy on campus wished he were in my place. Idiots. They have no idea what it’s like, coeds, townies even Professors looking at you like some kind of gigolo.”
“Only two?” Simon asked incredulously.
Jody’s head hung in shame and then said sarcastically, “Yeah, the great Lover! There are enough, more than enough, they all think they want to sleep with me. What they’re really looking for is a little kindness, some compassion and a strong shoulder to cry on.
Most of this made perfect sense to Simon. He too had learned at his mother’s and grandmother’s knee to treat others the way he wanted to be treated. His pranks were never mean or cruel and often got the ‘victim’ to laugh as much as everyone else.
“But I’ve always treated girls nice and they don’t hang on me like they do you.”
Jody’s usual swagger came back to him at this statement. “Well son, what ya got to remember about girls is, t’ain’t one of ‘em that really believes in herself. They all think they’re too fat, too skinny, too tall, too short or just plain too uninteresting. Every last one of ‘em can find a hundred little things to worry over, especially the pretty ones. They live in constant fear that some other girl is going to see those faults and bring her down for it. What ya gotta do is make them feel like they are the only girl in the room. Or better yet, that they are the best girl in a whole room full of good ones. But it isn’t enough to act that way. You have to believe it. Then they’ll do anything for you.”
Simon mulled this over in his head for a few seconds while Jody tossed his wadded-up pairs of socks into the basketball hoop over a laundry bag.
“Does that really work?” he asked, as Jody rose to put his socks away.
“How do you think I passed Advanced Calculus?”
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